A Short Personal Essay: I admitted, "I hate my body" & then I began to heal
Alana shares her turning point from hopelessness to optimistic determination on her healing from a Stage IV Endometriosis Diagnosis, and explores the importance of feelings safe within her body
I felt cracked open.
All my anger, rage, frustration, despair, hopelessness, and disgust for my body poured out from me. The release felt endless, and it hurt. It hurt to acknowledge the truth I’d carried but didn’t or couldn’t—I don’t know which—admit to myself.
I was on Nalu’s, my acupuncturist’s, treatment table, sobbing one of those soul cries expressing out loud to myself and her,
“I *sob* hate my *sob* body.”
At that point, I was so angry at my body for betraying me—the endometriosis, the excruciating pain, the inflammation, the weight, the fatigue, the insomnia—in every symptom, at every challenge—my body failed me.
I sought all I could do to help myself since my body wasn’t.
Moving my body when I could, attending therapy because I figured I should, learning about and seeking Eastern holistic treatments, and making different food choices. I tried to do it all.
And I felt none of it helped.
But that wasn’t the case. Everything under the sun outside of me could only do so much when I avoided facing the most foundational piece to my health and my healing—my relationship with my body.
At that moment on the table, Nalu held a beautiful, safe space for me to acknowledge my truth, release it, and open myself to a new truth that has served me well in the years since.
She gently reflected back to me in so many words because I forget exactly the way she said it, and this is how I received it and internally articulated it to myself,
“You and your body are partners. Your body is battling this disease just like you are, and she is doing all she can. She needs your support equally as much as you need hers in this healing.”
That conversation changed my relationship with my body from that moment to this one. I now do my best (because we all have our days) to think of her as my partner who deserves to be supported, nurtured, loved, and considered for everything she does to keep me healthy. Because how I think of her leads directly to how I treat her.
Those years ago, I was racing desperately down the path of healing—disconnected from and feeling unsafe in my body—and shaming my body for not keeping up.
I’m so grateful to a fellow holistic practitioner for guiding me to a foundational healing truth I want to share with you—begin your healing connected, safe, and in partnership with your body.
That looks and feels different for every individual, so be encouraged to invest your energy and time in exploring and discovering what makes you feel connected to your body, what makes you feel safe in your body, and how to have a healthy relationship with your body.
It's such a worthwhile journey.
I promise.
Ways to explore connectedness with your body:
Meditative Movement Practices: Yoga, Walking, Cycling, Swimming
Holistic Modalities: Massage, Acupuncture, Reiki, Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy, Sound healing, Guided Meditation
Day to Day Home Practices:
Bodyscan: First thing in the morning, check in with each area of your body and observe how you are feeling
Breathwork: First thing in the morning, before you get up, during the day, or right before bed, do some deep belly breathing, nice and slow and intentional. It doesn’t need to be elaborate; deep breathe in through your nose and slowly out through your nose or mouth, whatever feels best.
Ways to explore safety within your body:
Start paying attention to how you feel around the people you spend time with. Take note of who you feel calm around and can be yourself around. Take note of who you feel on edge around or anxious around.
Be aware of this, pay attention to it, and explore your options for managing and limiting your time with people and things that make you feel unsafe.
Be aware of your breathing. How you breathe is an informative signal about whether you are feeling safe and a tool to assist your body in feeling safe.
If you notice your breath getting shallow and short, take a moment to deepen and lengthen it to support your body's feeling of safety.
Ways to establish a healthy relationship with your body:
Eating and preparing nourishing foods to support your body’s needs.
Moving your body daily in a way that feels good to you and that you look forward to
Pay close attention to what feels good to your body and what doesn’t, and honor those observations.
When you need rest, rest.
Commit to a restful sleep schedule.
Think of the ways you care for something or someone you love deeply; now care for your body through that loving approach
*These are suggestions to help get you going. Remember, explore—explore—explore and discover yourself and your needs
READ: Seasonal Living: How the Autumn Season Serves You & Your Health—Explore how you can honor the autumn energy to serve you during this season best and use our 5 journal prompts to help guide you on your journey
We hope October in The Haven served you well and brought you valuable tools and perspective to support you on your health & healing journey.
See you here again next month!
