On Community: Talk to your neighbors, fall in love with your friends
Can I tell you something?
The longer I live — and the more I stress about health, wealth, and well-being — the more convinced I become that the thing that really saves us, over and over again, is other people. Not all people, not always in the way we expect, but people nonetheless.
Maybe that sounds obvious — yet it seems the world we live in tells us otherwise. It teaches us to be unapologetically independent and tells us to trim the fat, cut ties, unfollow, block, cancel, walk away. It tells us to decide if someone “serves us,” as if every relationship is a transaction, and we’re the customer (the customer’s always right … right?).
But I don’t buy that we’re meant to live in this perfectly curated cocoon of comfort and constant validation. Comfort isn’t the same as connection.
When I think about community, I don’t think about a handpicked group of people who all look, think, and act like me. I think of the fit girl I met at REI who convinced me to go on morning runs with her — and doesn’t care if I clock 11-minute miles. I think of the neighbors (both doctors) who, though much smarter than I am, always heed my point of view. I think of the lady from the local cat cafe who invited me to a “World Postcard Day” party with her friends (all forty years my senior). I think of the girlfriend who is often running thirty minutes late, but is also my favorite person to run mundane errands with — to the hardware store, to the supermarket, to the flower shop.
I think of all the friends I almost didn’t make because I frankly couldn’t be bothered or misjudged them the first three times we met.
These are now the people who color the edges of my life, who make me feel less alone — not because we’re the same, but because we simply show up when we can in simple, sometimes chaotic, and decidedly un-curated ways. And that’s what community should be, really. It shouldn’t be performative or anxiety-inducing. It shouldn’t be focused on saying or doing the “right” thing. It should be built on curiosity, grace, open-mindedness, and a genuine desire to get to know someone beyond the aesthetics, awkwardness, and social decorum.
Nowadays, I think we’re too quick to write people off. We’re too eager to dispel them from our lives because they said something we disagree with or inconvenienced us once or made us uncomfortable or do things we don’t understand. But in some ways, isn’t being uncomfortable kinda the whole point?
Now, to be clear: boundaries matter (of course they do!). I need to be better at building them — and chances are, you do too. I think you should walk away from the people who are truly harmful, who hurt you without remorse, or who constantly pepper you with criticism. You should prioritize taking care of yourself. You should take a look at the relationships in your life and think about which ones help you grow — and which ones might be holding you back.
Yet I think somewhere along the way, in the name of “protecting our peace,” we began confusing boundaries and self-care with misanthropy and self-isolation. We started calling rejection “growth” when it was often just escape or avoidance. And I get it. People aren’t always easy to get along with. The world is noisy. The internet is an echo chamber. Real life is awkward and slow and full of mismatched energy. But real life is also the only place where real love, healing, and growth happen. Where this messy, miraculous business of being human happens. And I believe getting to know more interesting and eclectic people, face-to-face, is the key to all of it.
And yes, this is about health, too. Real, measurable health.
In the world’s “Blue Zones”— places like Okinawa, Japan, and Ikaria, Greece — people live exceptionally long, healthy lives. Researchers have found that while factors like diet and movement play a part, one of the most potent influences on longevity is social connection. Women in Okinawa (who live longer than women anywhere else on the planet, by the way) form “moai”— lifelong support groups that provide emotional and practical care. These bonds buffer stress, lower cortisol levels, and improve happiness.
By extension, then, these bonds can also improve a woman’s hormonal balance. Women’s hormones are remarkably sensitive to stress. Chronic loneliness or isolation can lead to elevated cortisol, which disrupts estrogen and progesterone levels, making everything from menstrual cycles to menopause even more arduous and unpleasant. But positive connection — particularly the kind that involves emotional support and physical touch — can help restore balance and well-being.
Beyond hormones, the health implications of loneliness are pretty staggering. Research shows that chronic social isolation can be as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It increases the risk of cardiovascular disease, depression, anxiety, cognitive decline, and early death.
So really, this isn’t just about mental health and quality of life. It’s about literal survival.
So what do we do?
We start small. We spark conversations with people in public. We chat with our neighbors. We say “yes” when we want to say “maybe.” We invite the woman from yoga class over for dinner, even though we’re nervous she’ll judge our impossibly tiny apartment. In short: we stop trying to “optimize” our lives and start trying to live them.
So, talk to your neighbors. Fall in love with your friends (not romantically, but with the same level of verve and devotion). Let conversations be weird. Let people be real. Let them surprise you. Let them disappoint you (and consider giving them a second chance when they do).
Lean into the unexpected, imperfect, sometimes annoying aspects of having a community.
Learn to genuinely love people like your life depends on it … because, well, it does.
Speaking of community, we want to hear from you.
The Haven is geared toward supporting women through their physical and mental health journeys — and there’s no better way to feel supported than by knowing you’re not alone.
Moving forward, Alana and I want to learn from you, hear your stories, and share your wisdom with others. If you’d like to share with us in this spirit — about your personal experience and the lessons you’ve learned regarding hormonal imbalances, motherhood, postpartum, menopause, mental health, or beyond — please reach out.
Next, READ:
Mother Earth & You: Sustainability Through the Lens of Women’s Health by Mira Hansen
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4 Ways to Ease Your PMS Symptoms in Your Luteal Phase by Alana Abernethy
absolutely loved this one!
Mira, thank you for sharing your perspective, reflections, and wisdom with us! I enjoyed your article so much!🙌🏽